It’s easy to surrender your life to a licensed pilot versus one who never flew a plane before.

Luggage is checked.

Boarding pass in hand.

iPod fully charged.

I’m ready to fly.

Lately [read: the last 2 months] I’ve been having vivid-soap opera- E! True Hollywood Story-like dreams. The kind that are in color and involve people that I actually know in some way. Weirdest thing about these dreams are the fact that the only come during twilight on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.  Selective dreaming much?

iSwear. They seem so real, but they are not.

Grandma always said,”don’t share your dreams unless you want ‘em to come true.”

I believe her.

Me: *yelling from the couch in living room* Hey Beth, they just showed a black couple. Maybe you should update your profile.

Beth: I know right? *walks in living room* I need to get on that ASAP.

Pops: *Gives Beth Side-eye of Death* You on E-harmony?!

Beth: Huh? What you mean?

Pops: Huh, my ass. I said, ‘You on E-harmony?’

Beth: Dad, I got one of those trial thangs. It’s one time only.

Mom: Yeah, one time…until you end up like that Lacey-Natalie girl.

Me: Who?! Lacey Petersen, Ma?

Mom: Yeah, her.

Me: Umm… she was killed by her husband.

Mom: Naw, the Duggar Girl…the one with the kids.

Me: Ma, she was KIDNAPPED by a PREDATOR at 13. Her name is Jacy.

Mom: Oh, yeah that’s right. My ‘bag’

Pops: *Interrupts Ma* But, Beth…Did you take a pic of your feet?

Beth: My Feet? Why Dad?

Pops: We can’t have too many ‘Boomerangs’ around here. Fella got to know what he getting into!

Beth: What you Trying to Say, Dad? My feet ain’t Baaaaaaad.

Pops: I’m just saying. He GOT to know!

MORAL OF THE STORY: Let him know what he getting into.

Thanks Pops.

I haven’t relaxed my hair since October 23rd. Didn’t get a big chop, I’m not that bold. SO I’m growing out my relaxer and trimming my ends. All I got is my yarn braids, nappy roots and bout 3.5 inches of new growth.

I’m ÜBER exited.

I want her hair when I’m finished.

I woke up last Friday and my smile had changed. Totally of-kilter. I mean pure dee  full on ‘stroke-face’. A stark difference from the day before.

To know me, you have to understand that smiling is a very important part of me. It’s one of the first things you see when you see me. One of the consistencies and most honest things about me. I love to laugh and I love to smile. If my smile is off, something is wrong.

So imagine my shock and horror when I tried to brush my teeth and the water ran down the side of my chin, instead of streaming into the sink. I started bugging.

All kinds of thoughts like “what in the Jermaine ‘I use one jar of 99-cent Ampro gel daily’ Jackson hell is going on? I’m freaking 22 years old, I cannot be having a stroke right now.” I start doing the stroke test that my parents posted on the fridge: raise both hands, stick out tongue, and smile. Then it hit me….my body was fine, it was just my face.

VERDICT: Bell’s Palsy. My 1st thought is who is Bell and Why do I have his Palsy.They told me it can be caused by stress or virus, and that it just happens. I vaguely remember a mention of the word from years ago when my 10th grade English teacher had it. Ms. Morgan came into to first period one day and we noticed she was slurring. It got worse as the day progressed, to the point that her right side was drooping as if she had had a stroke. The kids had nicknamed her “Captain Morgan” when she began to wear an eye patch. She even humored us by doing the Capt’s pose in between classes. We were real juvenile with it though, giving her a parrot, the whole works.

But…now, I have it.

This week has been a whirlwind of emotions all because of a damn crooked smile. My superficial ass was more concerned about was it contagious and how long this would last. I couldn’t pucker among other things, and it totally bothered me to no end. It wasn’t like I had somebody that I just had to kiss but  at that moment I thought of my god-son running to me and saying “Mal-ry, gimme kiss!” It made me cry.

3 days go by and it all became clearer: God is STILL in control.

These last 2 and a half years have been an interesting journey to say the least, some of which I’ve documented here.  I’m not the most spiritual person, but I do know the Heavenly Father and HE knows my name.  He has humbled me so much these past couple of years, breaking me down and building me up better than any boot camp or person could ever do. To be so young and ambitious is a good thing, but I was an arrogant little prick who had a ‘I’m always right, even when I’m wrong attitude”. The Ultimate narcissist Leo. The world revolved around Mallory and nothing would get in her way. Spoiled brat, even.  Shoot… I still pick fights for fun, but I digress. I  have decreased, so that HE truly may increase in me.

God has drawn me closer to him in the last year or so through several instances. For example, I ended 2008 in an armed-attempted robbery in a barber shop of all places. The bullet missed the BF, but all of the glass from the shattered door hit me in the head, but only thing  that remains is a little beauty mark in the center of my forehead.  At the beginning 2009 I rang in the New Year in a hospital, recovering from a BC-related blood clot [cause my vain ass only wanted 4 periods a year. *le sigh*]. And now this.

This experience has truly taught me the importance of perspective, increased my patience, and strengthened my resolve. I’m a work in progress, constantly evolving.

Worry about things you have no control over gets you know where but headache, stress and ultimately an untimely demise. Practically things that I’m just not into.

It’s neither here nor there what I was worried about, but there is comfort in knowing that it is no longer an issue and never will be again.

Kanye said it best, “Hey there, don’t even think about it. You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things”

So grateful that smile is coming into view.

Today I came to the sad conclusion that I am Jacqueline. Not one full hour into the movie, I’m staring at the screen with my jaws dropped in disbelief because she is too familiar to me. The bish is re-enacting my life for the world to see and  doing it well. Robin Givens portrays Jacqueline, the upwardly mobile African-American executive that becomes the superior to playboy and ad exec Marcus Graham (played by Eddie Murphy).

She is the type of woman that commands your attention when she enters the room and will demand it if not given your undivided attention. She’s a bad bitch so to speak. Jacqueline also had this aura about her that drew you towards her; she made you want to want her, Mysterious aye.

All good so far, right? Dewrong! I want highlight 3 similarities between myself and Jacqueline that caused me to pause.

1. Opportunist in a Sport’s Fan’s Jersey

In  one scene, Marcus has cooked this beautiful meal for Jacqueline and is trying to share his cooking secrets with her, only to find that she is distracted. By what, you ask? A Knicks and Bulls game. Yessir. She cannot pay attention to his flirting and conversation because she would rather watch the ‘game’.

I must admit, I have done this. A nice gentlemen took me out to one of the nicest places in town only to have me ignoring his admissions of affection and cheering my Memphis Tigers on to that #2 seed. [Bleed Blue & Gray] I’m not the biggest sport’s fan, but I can hang with the big boys. Shoot, I’m invited to Superbowl parties whether I bring snacks or not. However, you have to understand that my interest in sports wasn’t genuine at first, but a mechanism for dealing with the jock boyfriend in HS and his ire at answering my questions about the ref ‘throwing that yellow thingy’. Eventually I no longer needed his play-by-play and  held convos with his buddies during games, pushing him out the loop.

The problem with this is that showing more interest in sports than him, especially when it isn’t genuine, is not beneficial to you and him. Catch up with ESPN on your own time, not his time.

2. Sex as a Weapon

So Jacqueline and Marcus get closer, but only as she allows it. She initiates their first sexual encounter and proceed to ‘Rock his world’. She dictates the terms of their sexual relationship, in particular, the when. Marcus is considered a notch on her belt, so to speak. Hell, he’s a conquest for her; totally reversing the gender roles of the time.

She schedules the times that they have sex according to her needs & availability, discounting the way Marcus feels about her and his needs.Jackie even shares the Marcus’s sexual tricks with the women in the office and clients, causing him to remark “Don’t be telling her what I do to you”.

Again, I cannot lie. I have done this. I mentioned previously that I have a love/hate relationship with sex. Translation: I love to have it when I want to have it, but hate it when you don’t want to have it when I want to. I can’t help that I have a high sex drive and take pleasure in your pleasure and our mutual pleasure. It is what it is.

I too have used sex as a weapon in the past. Ole dude [the previous boyfriend] used to wanna argue over the stupidest ish and I would shut him down mid-sentence, every time. It never failed.

The problem with this is that healthy growth cannot be expected if you withhold sex or abuse to control a situation. It creates false pretenses.

3. Grab him by the Balls & Hold

Jacqueline continually degraded & emasculated Marcus on the daily. It started when she had him wait by the phone for her phone call. Bragging about his sexual proclivities did nothing but remove all emotion from the situation and turn him into a sexual object for her personal pleasure. It also caused others to view him as an object.

If I were to tell my homegirls how lil buddy ate the punnany like his LIFE depended on it or how he spell my name in cursive with his tongue, I KNOW them heffas would invent reasons to run into him. If lil buddy told his roommate or homeboy how I’m such a cunning linguist, he should ALREADY know that ninjas would try to hit every time he left town or worked late. That’s why I don’t brag unless it’s something I willing to share and I hope he does the same.

So Jacqueline does a hit-and-run situation. Comes over, does the do, observes the 3-hour post-coital cuddle, and bounces. To further objectify Marcus, she leaves $200 on the nightstand to pay for the concert she missed. He looks at the nightstand all sad-like and pulls his blanket close to him to cover himself in shame.

True story: I told him “Thank You” afterward and proceeded to get dressed and head home in the rain. The effed up part in this particular situation was that it was his birthday and my ass said “Thank You” like he was a common whore.  How rude is that? I’m sorry and didn’t mean it *insert apology here* [note: On the low, I really wanted to stay all night and wake him up with birthday head breakfast, but I have this thing about not spending the night and waking up with someone when we are not in a committed relationship.]

Moral of the Story

Women like Jacqueline exist everywhere: the Angry Black Woman who only has time for men on her terms; the driven woman that tries to prove she is equal to or better than a man; or the spoiled brats like myself who are used to getting what they want at all costs. These are the type of women that carry on strings of uninvolved relationships or several friends with benefit situations because they’re to selfish to want to share themselves at the expense of professional success or personal sacrifice.

I think we forgot the most important thing: we are created from his rib. Not to get preachy, but in Genesis, God created Eve from Adam’s rib. She was NOT created as an equal but as a helpmate for him. There are gender roles that have been established since the beginning of time for men & women. It’s when we refuse to honor these roles that our relationships fail. If it doesn’t line up correctly, It just won’t work regardless of how much you want it.

In the end, we know that Marcus ended up with Angela. The sweet chick who was his strongest supporter, building him up when he was down; bringing him down when was too high. She was his friend and lover. The perfect verse over a tight beat.

I used to be Angela. I’m finding my way back to her.

To be continued…

When I was a kid, I started preparing for Christmas on New Year’s Eve. I would take the J.C. Penny Holiday catalog and pull out the ads for the things I didn’t get that year and begin my list. My birthday is in August, so a lot of the things from my ‘Christmas list’ were given then, but the majority wasn’t, seeing as though my lists included some 50 gadgets minimum. My spoiled ass got all of it and then some (minus the pony).

There are 5 things that I want for Christmas this year. That’s right. Only 5. Everything else is garbage an added blessing! But there is comfort in knowing that you have 10 days get my shit before I start hurting your feelings.

I kid. I jest. But really, I’m serious.

Mal’s Holiday Wishlist

5. Barbie by Christian Louboutin

Christian Louboutin has collaborated with Barbie to create this limited edition ‘Cat Burglar’ doll. In a black catsuit and Differa sandals, Ms. Kitty is most definitely purring. She comes with a collection of 4 red-soled Louboutins, each with their own shoe box and bag. I need this in my life!

Cost: $150 at Net-a-Porter

4. YooStar

I’m so dramatical. After 5 years of drama classes, it is to be expected. *Kanye Shrug* Butthisshitrighthere is the BEST! You can place yourself in some of your favorite movies (i.e. Coming To America, Rocky, SawII, etc..) or create your own funky scenes. I love, love love this and need it like yesterday. I’m already plotting scenes and storyboards.

Cost: $170 at YooStar

3. Fender® – DG-8S Acoustic Guitar Pack

Guitar Hero is the devil. I cannot stop playing it. Ergo, I am meant to be a guitarist that strums my tunes along Main St while collecting tips from drunken passerby’s. Yaaas! That is the ultimate! On the real though, I do play the sax and have always wanted a guitar. This has made the list annually for the last 8 yrs. The need grew less the more I played on the 360, but if its all the same, I’d rather have the real McCoy.

Cost: $200 at Best Buy

2. PENTAX – K-x 12.4-Megapixel Digital SLR Camera – Red/Black

I like making movies, but still photography is also one of my faves. I have over 16 facebook albums and well over 500 pics from the last 9 months. Those candid photoshoots are the best! FYI, I always have a camera on me somewhere. If you go to sleep around me, that pic will get posted! The PENTAX K-x features face recognition technology, captures clear, detailed images and captures high-definition movie clips up to 720p at 24 fps. Ergo, I NEED this in my life!

Cost: $650 at Best Buy

1. Him

I want you with an unlimited supply of mistletoe, wearing a santa hat, silk boxers, Polo Boots, and licking a candy cane. It’s Boo Season: get into it!

“You don’t want it with me, SON!  Not the kid. Ya mutha don’t want it, bruh!”

Words that should never be uttered out of a woman’s mouth. Yet we say it in our actions, our posturings; we project it. This whole ‘i’m so hard-ninja betta suck my dick’ attitude that females have taken on is crazy. I mean we can still be aggressive and hang with the boys without degrading our femininity in the process to become one of them.

I was sitting around one day trying to think of the last time I shed a tear. Crying when Michael Jackson died does not count even though I really thought he was going to be my husband when I was little. The definitive date: Aug 2005 when I buried my granny. That’s four effin years homie and a lot of ish has happened since then that I should’ve cried at.

So…..I tried pinching myself to see if a tear would roll. That lil ninja refused to form. I mean, I sat there thing of sad shit to no avail. Made me mad. I even went to WebMd to diagnose myself. SHM.

The greater discovery came when I looked back at all the possible occasions when I could’ve cried this year: getting shot at, failing that one class, getting fired, breaking up with ole dude, etc. There have been plenty. But you know what my ass did? I laughed. Every single time. Like WTF? Is that ish even normal? I remember my counselor(long story, k?) taking notes one time and scolding me: “Mallory, that was a serious situation. Why are you laughing?” LOL <— yeah I just laughed there.

Maybe I’m wired weird: I laugh when I should be crying and cry when I  should laugh. Either this is one of those Job jokes between God & the devil or my ass is crazy this is a defense mechanism I created somewhere along the line.

Here’s the gotcha gotcha though: If I laugh when I’m sad/mad and cry when I’m glad, how will you know my true intent? Ask me, muthafukka!

Marinate on that one and grab me a cold one while you’re up.

—From Madonna’s “Dress You up in My Love”

There’s nothing sexier to me than to see a man dressed in nice, clean button-down shirt. Something about it just stirs me. Maybe its the fact that on my campus, t-shirts and sweats are the norm. Anywhoo, when a man walks into a room with a button-down, my eyes are immediately drawn towards him; Kinda like a radar…yeah its that big [pause ?].

Not only that, R&B sensation Trey Songz swears by them. If that’s not a selling point, I don’t know what the hell is.

Trey Performing whilst wearing a button down and blazer

There are three types of button-downs that I can really appreciate:

The Plain White

White Button Down by Hot Air

This is the original sexy. A clean, starched white shirt paired with a nice par of slacks or jeans showcases simple elegance.  Oftentimes, I have seen the classic white paired with a blazer or an accessory of some sort (i.e. a chain, necktie or diamond studs). While the shirt is the center piece, the outfit is sustained by the shoes:  athletic shoes are okay here.

All Plaid Everything: The Lumber Jack

Plaid Button Down by LRG

If there is one trend I’m feeling right now, it’s the plaid button-down. If I were dressing him, my dude would be dressed in a plaid lumberjack, dark fitted jeans(European Cut, no skinny), and some Polo boots. He would have on one piece of jewelry and smell like D&G:L’AMOUREUX [christmas gift idea? hmm]. The plaid spells effortless sexy.

The Military

Basic Military Shirt by Artful Dodger

Women love a man in uniform, right? This woman does! However, some of us are not fortunate enough to make the cut when it comes to the armed forces. You too can fake the funk by wearing a military inspired button-down and saluting your style. Short sleeved or long. The more badges the better.

The best thing about a button-down shirt? Undoing the buttons!

Ciao!

Your Diesel engine, I’m squirting mad oil on

 Down on the floor til my speaker starts to boil

 I flip shit

 Quick slip

 Hip dip

 And I'm twisted

 In your hands and your lips

 and your tongue tricks

 and you're so thick and you're so thick

 and you're so

 Crown Royal on ice

So…I’ve been celibate since January 19^th. By celibate I mean no sexual contact with anyone: No kissing, touching, rubbing, licking, sucking, or fucking, period. I still go out on dates, flirt with and tease the ninjas, but it’s all in fun. In her book The New Celibacy, Gabrielle Brown states that:

“abstinence is a response on the outside to what’s going on, and celibacy is a response from the inside.”

I cannot say that I am ready to share me with anybody besides myself right now. This whole relationship business is for the birds right now. ←Lies told by Mal. [in reality people are lying to themselves if they deny the fact that they want/need companionship. It’s human nature.]

I really think the major reason that I’m celibate right now is that I respect myself far too much to be loose and sharing my inner essence when it is not leading to the ultimate plateau: morning nuts & afternoon delights with the MR. I respect the HIM that is to come, my future husband. So I refuse to participate in foolishness that could possibly have life-long repercussions.

I’ve always had an interesting love-hate relationship with sex, so 9 months later the celibacy thing really ain’t hit me yet. Then again it could be the fact that I still know how use the Chinese grip on the kitty. Grrrr.

By now I guess you’re thinking “This broad crazy. She ain’t celibate.” To which I reply, “YES IAM” in Barack Obama voice. I am abstaining from all sexual acts and replacing the reserved energy for the important things that will further my path towards to my dreams including focusing on my health, education, and family.

I would be lying if I didn’t mention the fact that I’ve had a few dick slips along the way. You know, those few occurrences where I’ve bumped uglies and exchanged DNA, however every time it’s all been with the same guy.  No bullshit. It’s like he’s the IT-Services dude: my hard drive automatically responds to his keyboard strokes. I don’t know why. It is what it is. But I doubt he would believe me though, IF I ever told him and that’s a big IF. That’s neither here nor there.

During this process I have learned that Celibacy does have its benefits:

• I can concentrate on YOU without thinking about your little friend: I’ve met some awesome people in this last year. Had amazing dates and adventures…from the zoo to the picnics in the park to fishing on the lake to the walks around town. I can have a clear mind when I see him and not be hypnotized by his doggy style.
• Know that someone loves you for who you are rather than what you can give sexually.
  • This is HUGE *Tiger Woods Voice*. If you are a porn star in bed, there is no doubt you’ll find a mate that will shout epithets of love daily, but how do you know if it’s not because you can spit without making that *hawk* sound? Of course his actions would solidify his feelings, but if ever you were concerned, figure it out before adding sex to mix
• Avoid catching one of over 20 sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancy: wrapping your willy works 99% of the time, but abstaining works 100% of the time. And 100 is a bigger number. lol

So the gist of it is that is an emotional decision with physical & mental bonuses. The hardest part is cooling down when the fire is blazing.

Then comes the Crown Royal!